ENGLAND 927

Armed Tourism

The Anglo-Saxon lust for adventure and exploration has always been tinged with an element of opportunism. The cross polination of Viking boat-based blood-lust has also contributed to the English tradition of armed tourism.

Once the locals, north of the border, had been subdued and the throat speakers of Wales, amalgamated, the English resumed their traditional sport of attacking the French. Followed by the Spanish, who enticingly and rather foolishly, sailed about with galleons full of gold.

Technically, we were pirates but brigands and pirates that combined under Elizabeth I to defeat the Armada. Opening the seven seas to a yo-ho-ho and let’s occupy the known world and call the unknown bits proper names, like the Falkland Islands.

British forces, including the forces of predecessor states and the later United Kingdom, have fought, invaded or exercised control in 171 of today’s 193 UN member states. No wonder we lose at Eurovision: it’s pure jealousy.

Building & Bashing

Isambard Kingdom Brunel builds ’em and Fred Dibnah bashes them down. The blueprint for modern built in obsolescence that ensures that the wheels of industry keep on turning.

The modern industrial model, was inescapably, conceived and executed in England’s dark satanic mills by stout Englishmen with enormous spanners. For the greater good of mankind, we invented almost everything useful from railways to tanks, to the jet engine, to the world wide web and we perfected rock’n’roll.

It might be argued that without English ingenuity and excellence, the world would now be a dystopian hell-hole where the elite live a banal life of ease on the surface of the Earth while the exploited live underground, tending machinery and providing stuff for the rich to eat.

As Englishman H.G. Wells may have mentioned in The Time Machine. If you’ve seen the film, much of the action takes place in a haberdashery, which brings us to…

I’m free!

A phrase immortalised by Mr. Humphries in his seminal tract on liberty ‘Are You Being Served?’

A similar question was asked by the English of the king leading to the global expression of democratic balance of powers with the signing of Magna Carta at Runnymede in 1215.

Young Mr. Grace, King John, believed that as the owner of Grace Brothers, he was above the law and could ride roughshod over the shopfloor on a horse.  Captain Peacock and Baron Rumbold of Slocombe held ‘Young’ Mr Grace to account and forced the concessions that now underpin the consitution of the United States.

Similar rebellions, unrelated to department stores, include the English Civil War and the Glorious Revolution, which took place following the discovery that William’s  ‘orange’ has no natural rhyme in the English language.

William was also the first name of Shakespeare, incidentally.

The Language of Love

The lingua franca of love is English, as assuredly as English is the international language of cuisine. The cunning lingua of English oral dominance.

From bake-offs in tents to dance-offs in ballrooms, English is the communication system used universally for couples looking to reproduce and also for the production of culinary delights to amuse-bouches.

National treasures Paul and Nigella are not only our iconic masters of baking but can also Paso Doble on the left hand side, make mi rock inna di dance (Jah know).

Popular global favourites, made in England, include saveloy and chips. And Stinking Bishop. And Gregg’s steak slices.

One thing is certain, if you’re doing anything useful, you’re doing it in English: such as flying a plane, navigating a ship, coding a computer, publishing this padded out drivel on the internet, or dancing with Nigella Lawson. And yes, she is saying ‘I can feel your Holly-wood’. 

Transport of delights!

Wherever you are in the world waiting for a train that never comes, rejoice! Railways and trains were invented in England and conquered the world with English steam.

William Jessop gave us flanges and iron rails and Richard Trevithick and George Stephenson puffed up the first locomotives. A century later, the English invented another world-beating option for getting about the place, violently, with a Little Willie. The oldest surviving tank.

Main battle tanks first rolled into view in World War One at the Somme followed by the jet engine which evolved into the finest fighter of all time apart from the Supermarine Spitfire: The English Electric Lightning.

If you are thinking of getting bus, accept your destiny, it was invented by the French. As popularised in the 1970s children’s series ‘Here Come the Double Deckers!’ and Reg Varney. And Blakey: “I’ll get you Butler!”.

On His Majesty’s Secret Service

England’s been in the spying game since bow ties were first invented, and ‘nobody does it better’ than Jackson Lamb off Apple TV’s Slow Horses.

As we know, MI5 operates from semi-derelict squats for internal probing activities whereas MI6 exclusively dines on the ambassador’s Ferrero Rocher. MI5 operatives are easily spotted wearing light brown mackintoshes and smoking Capstan full strength whilst MI6 prefer Henry Poole & Co with a Sobranie Cocktail cigarette puffed at a jaunty angle.

GCHQ Codewords. In the accompanying short film, Bond mispronounces Miss Moneypenny’s name as ‘Monkey Fanny’. MONKEY PUZZLE is a unified targeting tool whereas a NIGELLA is a wireless access point which can often cause a NOCTURNAL SURGE (Database for Access Control Lists). The truth is out there.

Disclaimer

The video shorts herein contained are, as helpfully pointed out by many, artificially created semi-intelligent slop. The characters and personalities depicted have/had/couldn’t possibly approve or consent to their use or implied use of their images, inner thoughts, or expressed opinions. Apart from Paul getting wood.